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Season Three

29. The Thin White Line (1)  

First aired: 7/11/2001    Production Code: 2ACX17

Taking his therapist's advice, Brian starts helping others by doing volunteer work. Peter wins a paid vacation at work, and the family prepares for going on a cruise. Noticing that Brian's nose has great strength, Joe offers him a job as a police dog to search for drugs. Brian becomes a successful drug-sniffing dog for the Quahog police department, but along the way he gets addicted to cocaine. Because of Brian's cocaine problem, Lois insists on canceling their family vacation in the Bahamas to help support Brian while he's in rehab. Peter is disappointed that the vacation has been canceled, so he decides to tag along with Brian when he sees the beautiful clinic. A therapist at the clinic tells Brian that Peter is a bad influence on him. Although Brian defends Peter and leaves rehab in protest, Brian thinks that he needs time away from the Griffin family to find himself, and leaves Quahog for parts unknown.

Writer: Steve Callaghan
Director: Glen Hill
Guest star: Carlos Alazraqui (Mr. Weed), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Nicole Sullivan (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe), Wally Wingert (Various) , Thomas Dekker (Various), June Foray (Rocky), Leif Garrett (Himself), Haley Joel Osment (Various)

 

30. Brian Does Hollywood (2)  

First aired: 7/18/2001    Production Code: 2ACX20

The Griffin family learns Brian has gone to Hollywood. After trying out on Kids Say the Darndest Things, Stewie is awarded an appearance, and the Griffins get a free trip to Los Angeles. Brian doesn't want the family to know what he's really doing in Hollywood, and tries to cover it up.

Writer: Gary Janetti
Director: Gavin Dell
Guest star: Gary Cole (Various), Kevin Michael Richardson (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various) , Louise DuArt (Various), Olivia Hack (Various), Jenna Jameson (Herself), Ron Jeremy (Himself), Ray Liotta (Himself)

 

31. Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington  

First aired: 7/25/2001    Production Code: 2ACX11

Peter's toy company gets bought out by the El Dorado Cigarettes company, and the toys are then used to market cigarettes to children. When Peter, on Lois's advice, confronts his new bosses about their evil use of toys, they promote Peter to president to shut him up. Lois, pleased with all the perks that come with Peter's new position, keeps her mouth shut too, while Brian quits smoking in protest. Peter's bosses send him to Washington to lobby against a bill that would put them out of business, because they figure politicians will be able to relate to a big dumb fat guy. When Lois finds Stewie smoking a cigarette, she goes down to Washington to stop what Peter's doing, and Peter ends up getting the El Dorado Cigarettes company fined $100,000,000. Brian helps himself to a cigarette as the family drives away.

Writer: Ricky Blitt
Director: Brian Hogan
Guest star: Carlos Alazraqui (Mr. Weed), Gary Cole (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Wally Wingert (Various) , Ricky Blitt (Various), Louise DuArt (Various), Olivia Hack (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various), Alyssa Milano (Herself), Brian Doyle-Murray (Various), Jack Sheldon (Various)

 

32. One If By Clam, Two If By Sea  

First aired: 8/1/2001    Production Code: 2ACX19

When a hurricane strikes Quohog, everything is destroyed except The Drunken Clam, which is bought out by a Brit who turns it into an English pub. As it happens, pub owner Nigel Pinchley and his family move in next door to the Griffins, and Stewie tries to teach Nigel's Cockney-accented 3-year-old daughter how to speak proper English.

Writer: Jim Bernstein, Michael Shipley
Director: Dan Povenmire
Guest star: Lori Alan (Diane), Johnny Brennan (Various), Tara Strong (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Jennifer Tilly (Bonnie), Patrick Warburton (Joe) , Hugh Laurie (Various), Alan Shearman (Various), Edward Asner ((voice) Steven Bellows)

 

33. And the Wiener is...  

First aired: 8/8/2001    Production Code: 2ACX22

Peter feels jealous when he finds out Chris has a larger penis than he does, so he tries various tactics like buying a new car and joining a gun club. He then takes Chris on a father-son hunting trip only for Chris to eventually save the day. Meanwhile, Meg finds herself to be a target of abuse for the cool kids at school when she joins the flag girl squad.

Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Director: Bert Ring
Guest star: Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Rachael MacFarlane (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Tara Strong (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe), Lisa Wilhoit (Various) , Fairuza Balk (Connie DiMico), Patrick Duffy (Jack), Debra Wilson (Various)

 

34. Death Lives  

First aired: 8/15/2001    Production Code: 2ACX21

Peter sneaks away on his and Lois' anniversary to play golf at an upscale country club, only to be struck by lightning and have a near-death experience. Death promises to give Peter a revelation to help his marriage if Peter helps him get a date. Meanwhile, Peter sets up a fake scavenger hunt for Lois and the kids, which takes them all over Quahog.

Writer: Mike Henry (VI)
Director: Rob Renzetti
Guest star: Nicole Sullivan (Various), Lori Alan (Diane), Adam Carolla (Death), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Wally Wingert (Various) , Peter Frampton (Himself), Estelle Harris (Death's Mom), Laura Silverman (Various)

 

35. Lethal Weapons  

First aired: 8/22/2001    Production Code: 2ACX18

Bonnie convinces Lois to join her Tae-Jitsu class and Quahog is invaded by New York "leafers" coming to look at the pretty colored leaves in fall. Lois quickly becomes a black-belt, and Peter uses his new dangerous wife to drive away all the annoying New Yorkers. However, Lois's new-found violent side finds its way into the Griffin household, and after trying counseling, the whole family has an all-out brawl to get it out of their system.

Writer: Chris Sheridan
Director: Brian Hogan
Guest star: Lori Alan (Diane), Johnny Brennan (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Nicole Sullivan (Various), Jennifer Tilly (Bonnie), Patrick Warburton (Joe) , Michael Chiklis (Bronx Guy), Peter Gallagher (Various), Alastair Sherman (Various)

 

36. The Kiss Seen Around the World  

First aired: 8/29/2001    Production Code: 3ACX02

When Meg, due to her crush on Tom Tucker, the newscaster, applies for an internship at the local television station and gets the job, she is disappointed to find that her news partner is the most reviled nerd in school, Neil. Caught in a life-threatening news situation, Meg laments that she never had a first kiss and agrees to kiss Neil only to find that he taped the whole thing in order to broadcast it across the world. Meg broadcasts her own news that she has no interest in Neil, sending him to the ledge on top of Town Hall. She breaks his fall, only to find out that he had no intention of jumping and was just trying to get her attention again. Stewie's prized new tricycle is stolen by the neighborhood bully, but the bully soon learns not to screw with Stewie.

Writer: Mark Hentemann
Director: Pete Michels
Guest star: Lori Alan (Diane), Mike Barker (Various), Johnny Brennan (Various), Gary Cole (Various), Ralph Garman (Gene Rayburn), Mark Hentemann (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Tara Strong (Various), Nicole Sullivan (Various), Adam West (Mayor Adam West), Lisa Wilhoit (Various) , Michael Chiklis (Various), Hugh Downs (Himself), D.D. Howard (Various), Abe Vigoda (Himself)

 

37. Mr. Saturday Knight  

First aired: 9/5/2001    Production Code: 3ACX04

Peter's boss comes to dinner at the Griffin house but soon dies. The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory is turned into the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. Unemployed, Peter begins his search for a job and ends up going after his lifelong dream of becoming a knight at a traveling Renaissance Fair. Caught in a compromising position with the infamous Black Knight's wench, he must defend his family's honor in an duel with the Black Knight.

Writer: Steve Callaghan
Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Guest star: Lori Alan (Diane), Carlos Alazraqui (Mr. Weed), Adam Carolla (Death), Ralph Garman (Gene Rayburn), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Rachael MacFarlane (Various) , David Berry (Bobby), Johnny Brennan (Mafioso), Jackson Douglas (Various), Charles Durning (Francis), R. Lee Ermey (Coach), Will Ferrell (Black Knight), Jimmy Kimmel (Various), Justin Koznar (Various)

 

38. Fish Out of Water  

First aired: 9/19/2001    Production Code: 3ACX05

Peter, Still out of a job, and now severely obese, decides to take on a new profession: Fishing. After buying a boat at a police auction, he soon finds himself in debt to a loan shark. When Peter hears of a legendary fish that, when caught, could win him the money he needs, he and the guys go searching for the mystical creature called 'Daggermouth'. Meanwhile, Lois tries to cheer up Meg with a spring break trip, where Lois is the one getting all the attention.

Writer: Alex Borstein, Mike Henry (VI)
Director: Bert Ring
Guest star: Gary Cole (Various), Ralph Garman (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe), Lisa Wilhoit (Various) , Michael Chiklis (Various), Brian Doyle-Murray (Various)

 

39. Emission Impossible  

First aired: 11/8/2001    Production Code: 3ACX01

Peter goes with Lois to visit her sister Carole, who is now pregnant, but alone since her husband walked out on her. Carole goes into labor and Peter helps deliver the baby. Caught up in the moment, Peter and Lois decide that they want another baby. Stewie however, does not agree. Stewie does everything possible to keep Peter and Lois away from each other, but when he is locked out of their room, he is forced to take desperate measures. Stewie ends up shrinking himself down to microscopic size and seeking out his sperm-brother inside Peter's body. Instead of trying to kill his unborn brother Stewie and him unite to destroy Lois.

Writer: Dave Collard, Ken Goin
Director: Peter Shin
Guest star: Mike Barker (Various), Gary Cole (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe), Adam West (Mayor Adam West) , Majel Barrett (Various), David Berry (Various), D.D. Howard (Various), Carol Kane (Various), Shawn Pyfrom (Various), Wallace Shawn (Various)

 

40. To Love and Die in Dixie  

First aired: 11/15/2001    Production Code: 3ACX09

Chris chooses a robber out of a lineup, but after Peter accidentally tells the robber where the family lives, the Griffins are placed in the witness protection program. They are sent to the Deep South, where Chris makes a new friend, Sam. Peter questions the truth of a Civil War reenactment that showed the South winning the war, leading to Sam's father forbidding Sam from seeing Chris. Upset, Sam runs away with Chris and kisses him on the mouth. Chris tells Sam that he doesn't like boys and doesn't like him in a physical sense. The FBI agents guarding the Griffin house in Quahog accidentally tell the robber the location of the Griffins. Sam reveals to Chris that she is not a boy, but a girl. Then the robber arrives in the South, about to kill Chris, but the towns folk stop him just in time.

Writer: Steve Callaghan
Director: Dan Povenmire
Guest star: Ralph Garman (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Rachael MacFarlane (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various) , Brian Dunkleman (Various), Dakota Fanning (Various), Waylon Jennings (Himself), Kathleen Wilhoite (Various)

 

41. Screwed The Pooch  

First aired: 11/29/2001    Production Code: 3ACX08

Peter and Lois go to the Pewterschmidts for the weekend, bringing Brian along. Brian, meanwhile, has some "issues" of his own to work out. Find out if Brian's future is to make puppies or become "less" than he is.

Writer: Ken Goin, Dave Collard
Director: Pete Michels
Guest star: Johnny Brennan (Various), Ralph Garman (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Don LaFontaine (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe) , Bob Barker (Himself), Jane Lynch (Various)

 

42. Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?  

First aired: 12/6/2001    Production Code: 3ACX06

Chris gets a new job as the water boy for the basketball team. After being around the black players, Chris becomes a super-cool black dude in a white person's body. Peter takes Chris to learn about his own Irish heritage at a museum. Chris later visits a library to look up his genealogy and is elated to discover that a black man (Nate Griffin) was part of his family. Peter tries to embrace his black culture by visiting a black theatre and club, but he doesn't get it. When Lois' parents visit, it is revealed that the Pewterschmidts' ancestors owned Nate Griffin. The Pewterschmidts' give Peter money to alleviate their guilt. Soon Peter begins to suffer the discrimination of being black. While at a basketball game, Peter looks in the mirror and he sees Nate, who shows him that he has been selfish. Peter announces to everyone in the gym that he was a jerk for taking the money. He throws the cash in the air, and everyone scrambles to get their share, showing that all races are unified by greed. Meanwhile, Stewie plots to get rid of the head cheerleader so he can be on top of the pyramid.

Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Director: Scott Wood
Guest star: Gary Cole (Various), Chris Cox (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Rachael MacFarlane (Various), Kevin Michael Richardson (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Tara Strong (Various), Wally Wingert (Various) , Wayne Collins (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various), Kim Parks (Various)

 

43. Ready, Willing, and Disabled  

First aired: 12/20/2001    Production Code: 3ACX07

Joe gets discouraged, losing his self-confidence, after he loses a thief in a chase. Peter wants to help Joe get back to his old self so he volunteers to help train him for the decathlon at the Olympics for handicapped athletes. Peter puts steroids into Joe's drink, pushing Joe on to victory. Meanwhile, Stewie, Meg, and Chris fight over $26.

Writer: Alex Barnow, Marc Firek
Director: Andi Klein
Guest star: Lori Alan (Diane), Johnny Brennan (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Mark Hentemann (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe), Adam West (Mayor Adam West), Wally Wingert (Various) , David Berry (Various), Valerie Bertinelli (Various), Tony Danza (Himself), Alex Rocco (Various)

 

44. A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas  

First aired: 12/21/2001    Production Code: 2ACX03

Lois loves the holiday season and is excited about decorating the house, opening presents and introducing Stewie to Santa Claus. Stewie, on the other hand, is completely paranoid about this fat man in a red suit who can somehow maintain 24-hour surveillance on all the world's children! Peter, sent to drop off one gift to Toys for Toddlers, accidentally gives all the family's presents to the charity. When he and Lois hit the mall to rebuy everything - they are caught up in the last-minute shopping madness. Lois and Peter are completely frazzled, but Lois clings desperately to the hope that they can still have wonderful Christmas. That hope is dashed, however, when they arrive home to find Brian, the house and the Christmas turkey burned to a crisp. Lois finally snaps and goes on quest to snatch the star from atop the city's huge Christmas tree. Only Stewie's motivational speech as the baby jesus (and a tranquilizer gun) can bring Lois back down to earth.

Writer: Danny Smith (IV)
Director: Brian Hogan
Guest star: Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Jennifer Tilly (Bonnie), Patrick Warburton (Joe), Wally Wingert (Various) , John Kassir (Man from Its a wonderful Life/Kid #2), Hynden Walch (Kid #3), Paul Rugg (Frosty the Snowman/Kid #1), Peter Criss (Various), Ace Frehley (Various), Gene Simmons (Himself), Paul Stanley (Himself)

 

45. Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows  

First aired: 1/17/2002    Production Code: 3ACX03

Brian falls in love with a bitter old woman who he is forced to do community service for. Meanwhile, Peter grows a beard and finds a family of swallows have built a nest in it.

Writer: Allison Adler
Director: Dan Povenmire
Guest star: Lori Alan (Diane), Mike Barker (Various), Gary Cole (Various), Butch Hartman (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Nicole Sullivan (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe), Adam West (Mayor Adam West), Wally Wingert (Various) , A.J. Benza (Various), Adria Firestone (Various), Melora Hardin (Various), Jane Lynch (Various)

 

46. From Method to Madness  

First aired: 1/24/2002    Production Code: 3ACX11

When Brian expresses his interest in theatre, Lois tells him to try out for the Quahog School of Performing Arts. During the audition, Brian turns in a mediocre performance and is dismissed by the judges. Stewie, determined to get Brian a second chance, throws a melodramatic fit. The teachers, impressed with Stewie's theatrics, enroll him in the rising stars program. Stewie doesn't realize he is struggling at the school until he overhears his teachers discussing how he and Olivia, the school's most promising but overly haughty student. will be asked to leave if they don't shine in the quarterly review. Stewie tells Olivia that they must put on the performance of a lifetime or they'll get kicked out, and their routine is a hit. Stewie and Olivia become fast friends, but the harmony ends when competition, pressure and fast-fame set in. Olivia walks off the stage mid-routine, leaving Stewie to finish the performance. Stewie takes his act solo, but is booed everywhere he goes. Meanwhile Meg finally gets a boyfriend, a boy from an all-American family. There's only one problem with this family though - they're nudists.

Writer: Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman
Director: Bert Ring
Guest star: Chris Cox (Various), Ralph Garman (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Rachael MacFarlane (Various) , Jane Lynch (Various), Denis Martell (Various), Mark Paredes (Various), Fred Willard (Various)

 

47. Stuck Together, Torn Apart  

First aired: 1/31/2002    Production Code: 3ACX10

Lois runs into an ex-boyfriend while shopping. Knowing Peter would be jealous, she has coffee with him behind Peter's back. Peter, while hanging with the guys in Joe's new police surveillance van, spot Lois. Angered, Peter tries to make Lois jealous by having prostitutes pose as his old girlfriends. After a marriage therapist suggesting a trial separation, Quagmire makes his move on Lois, and Peter goes on his own date... with actress Jennifer Love Hewitt. Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian become superglued together, and must deal with each other waiting for the solvent to arrive, and actually warm up to one another.

Writer: Mark Hentemann
Director: Michael Dante DiMartino
Guest star: Mike Barker (Various), Johnny Brennan (Various), Gary Cole (Various), Chris Cox (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Nicole Sullivan (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe) , Gilbert Gottfried (Mort Goldmen), Brendon Small (Jennifer Love Hewitt), Jennifer Love Hewitt (Various), Meredith Scott Lynn (Various)

 

48. Road to Europe  

First aired: 2/7/2002    Production Code: 3ACX13

Stewie is addicted to the British hot children's show "Jolly Farm Review" based on Mother Maggie, a benevolent figure who looks after kids on a farm. Brian makes fun of Stewie for watching the show, but Stewie is determined to visit Jolly Farm in England because he thinks he belongs there. He stows away on a British Airways jet, which he assumes is headed for London. Brian tries to drag Stewie off the plane, but before he can, the plane takes off. When the plane lands, they discover that they are in Saudi Arabia are stranded in the middle of a desert with no passports or resources to get out. As luck would have it, Brian and Stewie encounter a Comfort Inn in the middle of nowhere and manage to steal a hot-air balloon to fly home, but the contraption falls apart over Italy, just as the Pope is about to address the masses. Brian wants to head home, but Stewie insists on finding the Jolly Farm in England. When they finally get to England, Stewie runs onto the set of the show. His fantasy is crushed when he encounters only a set full of props and disgruntled people, including Mother Maggie. Meanwhile, Lois and Peter travel to KISS-stock, where Lois embarrasses herself because she doesn't know the lyrics to a KISS song. She redeems herself though when it's revealed that she once hooked up with band leader Gene Simmons!

Writer: Daniel Palladino
Director: Dan Povenmire
Guest star: Chris Cox (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Don LaFontaine (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Wally Wingert (Various) , Andy Dick (Various), Jon Favreau (Various), Sean Flynn (Various), Lauren Graham (Various), Michelle Horn (Various), Jane Lynch (Various), Michael McKean (Various), Gene Simmons (Himself), Paul Stanley (Himself), Fred Willard (Various), Sean Flynn (Various)

 

49. Family Guy Viewer Mail #1  

First aired: 2/14/2002    Production Code: 3ACX12

In a special three-story episode, Brian reads viewer mail and tries to answer profound questions:

Writer: Gene Laufenberg, Seth MacFarlane, Michael Shipley, Jim Bernstein
Director: Pete Michels, Scott Wood, Michael Dante DiMartino
Guest star: Lori Alan (Diane), Johnny Brennan (Various), Adam Carolla (Death), Gary Cole (Various), Chris Cox (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Rachael MacFarlane (Various), Patrick Warburton (Joe), Adam West (Mayor Adam West), Wally Wingert (Various) , Bil Goldberg (Bonebreaker), Judy Greer (Various), Kerrigan Mahan (Various), Regis Philbin (Himself), Kelly Ripa (Herself), Lane Schnaitter (Various), Michael Winslow (Various)

 

50. When You Wish Upon a Weinstein  

First aired: 11/9/2003    Production Code: 2ACX05

The day that Peter buys volcano insurance is the day that Lois becomes fed up with their constant money problems. When Peter wishes for a Jewish "money guy" to help them, Max Weinstein comes to the rescue. After meeting Max, Peter decides Chris could be successful if he converted to Judaism as soon as possible, but the plans for a "quickie" bar mitzvah in Las Vegas are quickly foiled by Lois.

Writer: Ricky Blitt
Director: Dan Povenmire
Guest star: Mike Barker (Various), Mike Henry (VI) (Various), Phil LaMarr (Various), Danny Smith (IV) (Various), Nicole Sullivan (Various), Wally Wingert (Various) , Andrea Beutner (Various), Ricky Blitt (Various), Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker), Ed McMahon (Himself), Peter Riegert (Various), Mary Scheer (Various), Ben Stein (Rabbi Goldberg)